To you, Oprah

Oh Oprah, I love you so, you are a credit to your race! The best black thing to enter my life since my Audi A4. I live the way you enrich people's lives by giving them free shit! I love the way you talk about Toni Morrison's books like you actually have the brains to read them! I love the way you get your audience to buy books that they will never in a million years be able to grasp (even if doctors find a way to reverse lobotomies!)! Most of all I love the fact that you became insanely rich by becoming a token of minority success! That gives me hope!

Technorati: Oprah Winfrey television talk-shows books Toni Morrison

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Diane Sawyer/Bob Woodward

So I was watching that Diane sawyer piece on Bob Woodward this morning and it occurred to me (unlike the rest of you, apparently) that this is not journalism. This is one white preppy journalist, empathizing with, attempting to evoke empathy for, another white preppy journalist. Probably because she can't feel real empathy for the working-class soldiers coming home disfigured and disabled. Is Mr Colgate-educated Woodward getting his ass blown up and lobotomized supposed to be more significant to me than say an ordinary soldier? How about the camera man (camera-men are usually not Ivy Leaguers) who also got his ass blown up? There was the whole irrelevant nonsense about how Woodward proposed to his wife after a mountain-climbing trip. Who gives a fuck? If he is dumb enough to take unnecessary risks for the sake of an adrenaline rush, he probably deserved a closed-casket funeral.

The whole segment was directed at the rich folk who believe that any kind of real job (like journalism, for instance) is really an act of charity for the rest of us. Look at what Bob has sacrificed for the poor!

Technorati: journalism media bob woodward diane sawyer

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Vin Diesel

Fucking Vin Diesel. That wooden, slackjawed pretentious dimwit. Fucking social-climbing, ambitious, no-talent airhead. I hate you and those fat chicks on myspace who have your pics in their profiles. Like you would ever want them! You like the dick, don't you? I bet you like the dick. I hate you like I hate Charlie Sheen and every Hollywood brat who made their money on Daddy's last name. Speaking of names, even your stage-name is a punch-drunk jock's idea of cool.

Super-villain Club: Yasser Arafat

Arafat was born in Cairo[3] to Palestinian parents on August 24, 1929. Arafat's father was a textile merchant and a Palestinian with some Egyptian ancestry. Arafat's mother was from an old Palestinian family in Jerusalem. She died when Yasir, as he was called, was five years old, and he was sent to live with his maternal uncle in Jerusalem, the capital of the British Mandate of Palestine. He has revealed little about his childhood, but one of his earliest memories is of British soldiers breaking into his uncle's house after midnight, beating members of the family and smashing furniture.[4]

What kind of origin is this for a super-villain? Broken furniture and and beaten extended family member? Furthermore, is this the worst that the British Empire could come up with?

For you young people, before the greatest villain of all time showed up the ugly bastard up to was the best we could do for a global all-purpose baddie. He had the ugly, he had the gloat and we couldn't kill him easily. Also, he could kind of speak English a little bit which made him all the more menacing (bad guys are so much more effective with accents). You see, the Shah of Iran at the time (Khomeini) couldn't speak English, nor could Noriega or subsequent pretender to the Fu Manchu throne, this put them at a disadvantage. If they can't speak English who gives a fuck what they are cackling about to their cronies in their dark dungeon lairs?

Back to Arafat. The world needs its bad guys, it needs them with faces that we have pictures and video images of, with ugly-ass ethnic faces, preferably. It needs them with non-Christian religions, and in uniforms that don't look a lot like ours. It needs them to speak in languages that are difficult for native English-speakers to learn, and to do stupid shit like burn effigies or have their followers do them. They also have to relatively far away from anybody civilized, that way they can be scary without actually causing panic among god-fearing white people. Yup, that Hitler guy kind of screwed things up for the supervillain club. Everything changed because of him.

Technorati Tags: history, yasser, arafat, humor, palestine, palestinian

Shocking Porno

In the most shocking series of porno films to arrive on the shelves of porno films websites since Comatose Amputee Granny Rimjob (2005), we have the ultimate donkey-fucking movie for all of you DF-ing fans. The Setup The hero, played with expert manliness by Jack Johnson, inherits a donkey farm in Florida, so he and nine of his best buddies go down to take a look at it before deciding whether or not to sell. On arriving at the farm they spy a donkey with a very long schlong and proceed to give said donkey a gang blowjob, making this the first ten-man gang donkey blowjob in film history. Don't worry, it gets even better. What Happens They decide to keep the farm, running it as a show for fellow donkey-enthusiasts. At one of these shows a millionaire (Spurt Reynolds) shows up and offers to buy the farm and keep them on to run it, he just wants to be able to have the long schlonged donkey to himself. At this point one of Jack Johnson's 9 cohorts (Hugh Jackman) realizes that he is straight and needs to be with only female donkeys. This sequence allows for one on ones between Reynolds and Long Schlong, and between Jackman and and unnamed female member of the donkey cast. The Reynolds scene has a segment where he inserts his head into the anus of the donkey, while the Jackman scene has one 25 minute donkey-lingus session. I have never seen a female donkey quite so aroused in all my life. Anyway, I will not spoil any more of this feature's plot for you, rest assured though, it turns out very well for all. Available for purchase from Amazon.com

Rat Fister 4 Yeast Infection Queen 13

Yeast Infection Queen 13

Tamara, the YIQ for the last 3 episodes, drains the yellowish fluid from her nether regions and feeds it to her army or horny men, or rather the general of this army (played with chiselled greatness by Gary Pole) since the army itself is never shown. It makes him so horny he has to leave the castle and find an assortment of transvestite forest nymphs to sate his desire for reeking vagina-pus. Rated PG-13

Available for purchase from Amazon.com

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Technorati Tags: porno, adult, sex, sexual, erotic

Rat Fister 4

As in previous Rat Fister films, a lone Wisconsin man named Thor wanders the streets of New York finding rats and sticking his fist up their anuses. For those of you not familiar with the rat-fisting fetish, it turns out that rats have assholes of great elasticity. At one point Thor sticks his whole size 13 steel-toed workboot up a rat's ass.

Available for purchase from Amazon.com

Shocking porno review

Technorati Tags: sex, porn, adult, erotica

The Biography of Yasser Arafat

Arafat was born in Cairo[3] to Palestinian parents on August 24, 1929. Arafat's father was a textile merchant and a Palestinian with some Egyptian ancestry. Arafat's mother was from an old Palestinian family in Jerusalem. She died when Yasir, as he was called, was five years old, and he was sent to live with his maternal uncle in Jerusalem, the capital of the British Mandate of Palestine. He has revealed little about his childhood, but one of his earliest memories is of British soldiers breaking into his uncle's house after midnight, beating members of the family and smashing furniture.[4]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yasser_Arafat

This is where he gets his motivation. He grows up to be the world famous assassin, the Panther (!) a global thorn in the side of the British Empire. He wears a ninja costume with a tiny emblem of the Palestinian flag on the upper left chest area. He has fights with British spies in the Illuminati's Catacombs beneath the Thames and in various locations on Hong Kong island. Men quake in terror at the mere mention of the name “Panther”, old women (Margaret Thatcher) piss themselves, and the British look for a man capable of dealing with the menace. The Panther, however is known to no man, works by himself, the lone hunter, carrying in his bosom the memory of his uncle being cuffed about the head (“what you need is a good cuffing, wog!”) by tall but pudgy pale-skinned men with bad teeth. He remembers the sound of his uncle's favorite ottoman being crunched beneath the foot of the Redcoats, their black-powder pistols drawn. This is what he carries with him in the nights in the desert practicing with throwing stars and nunchucks. The Panther does not use guns.

After many trysts with exotic women-spies from assorted nations who were sent to seduce and break him, the Panther finally meets his mate, his true love, the most exotic of them all. A beauty to which no other woman can be compared, the dangerous female assassin codename: Suha.

More Oliver Platt Movies

First Part of Oliver Platt's (currently starring in Spike Lee's Film on Yasser Arafat) Filmography here.

Witness
Oliver Platt is raped by 6 Amish men and must go into witness protection with his young son played expertly by Henry Thomas. The leader of the Amish men (Danny Glover) keeps a stash of porn in his garage.

Boogie Nights
Oliver Platt plays a disabled Vietnam vet who has disabled sex with Jane Fonda in the heartbreaking fuck-scene to end all heartbreaking fuck-scenes. Directed by, of all people, Burt Reynolds.

Bloodsport
The biography of Jamie Foxx, his rise from the goat-pens of Sicily to being a champion kickboxer. The scene where the guy crumbles that pill and throws it into his eyes before the concert had me sitting on the edge of my seat.

Oliver Platt Filmography

Malcolm X 2: Prairie Nights

Malcolm X saddles up his trusty steed, White Sally, and rides the prairies of Wyoming looking for nomadic Klansmen. Spoiler: he finds out that Elijah Mohammed is actually a woman (Whoopi Goldberg) and falls in love with her.

The Graduate
Patrick Stewart commands a group of retarded children with special abilities (4^th grade reading and math skills) against Mathneto, a retarded adult who can hold a job and live by himself (Oliver Platt). Along the way Stewart is killed and the retards must stumble and drool their way to victory over evil all by themselves.

Ali
Platt wins the Oscar for playing Muhammed Ali.

Drugstore Cowboy
Platt plays a violent Vietnam vet who is a symbol of religious fanaticism as well as sidekick to Jeff Bridges Jesus-figure. In this movie you learn that pills can be ground up and boiled in a teaspoon then injected directly into the bloodstream. Changed my life, man.

More Oliver Platt Movies>>>

The Panther Movie

Arafat will be played by Oliver Platt (I have no Photoshop skills, so just imagine him with a dishcloth on his head) and will be directed by Spike Lee. Arafat will be a young black man who grew up on the streets of Brooklyn. After being recruited by the CIA at a Catholic restaurant (Pope-Yes) he is trained and sent to the middle east (with a CIA-created past) where he finds himself. He then decides to switch sides and rain terror down on the Roman Catholic + Jew conglomerate that rules the world. Spike Lee has said that this is the movie that will awaken black consciousness and change Black American history as we know it.